Things I Hate: Yankee Manners Edition

The thing I hate today: Yankee manners (or as I like to term it - one of the biggest oxymorons in the world!). This post is inspired by someone that I used to know well, and some of you may figure out quickly exactly who I'm talking about (although I won't mention names).

Most people know that I am from Texas (and if you don't, you had better learn that quickly, it's probably my second most distinguishing feature, the first most distinguishing being my chin). I view myself as a Southern girl - bigger is better, attitude is everything, always be gracious, and begin an insult with "Bless his heart, but...". I've got a stock pile of phrases for almost any occasion and I say "ya'll" without finding it funny. My favorite movie: Steel Magnolias. But the most important part of my Southern-ness: my manners. You say "please" and "thank you" and "yes ma'am" and "no sir", anyone person that appears to be older than you or is in a position of authority is "Miss", "Mrs.", "Ms." or "Mr.". Men hold doors for ladies, younger people give up their seats for older people, and you always say "excuse me" and you do not cut in line.

This is a telling story from my childhood: I only said "yeah" to my mother once. ONCE, and I never did that again.

I have since been introduced to "Yankee manners" which are a peculiar thing, as well as Midwest manners. Now, Missouri isn't exactly the North, but it sure as hell isn't the South. Someone tried to argue this point to me, saying that Missouri was the South. No, my friend, you are not. I'll grant you this much: you are south of Canada. Now, I'm not picking on the entire state, and I have met some lovely people while living here. Like I said, this is focused largely on one individual, who prided themselves on being from the North and having good New England manners (ha!). I heard more about finishing school and fine breeding than I thought humanly possible. And oddly enough, all of that training to be gracious did not pay off one bit.

Examples of bad manners that were mistaken for good:

• I gave this person a small thank you gift for something they had done for me. Instead of saying thank you, this person said to me, "Well, now I feel like I have bad manners, I don't have anything for you." There was never a "thank you" involved, and they were right, they did in fact have bad manners.
• A fork was dropped on the floor, and this person informed me that well-bred people didn't pick up silverware that they had knocked there, they waited for the "help" to do that. During this same dining experience, I never heard a "please" or "thank you" muttered to the server.
• Explaining to me that being "gracious" and well bred was dependent on how much money you had in your trust account. Poor people (i.e., me) could apparently not be gracious. We didn't have the money to buy our proper manners, which come from prep schools.
• Telling me that I would do a favor for them because it was the right thing to do, and acting as if it was expected.

The even better examples would too quickly give away too much information about this person. But suffice it to say that a "thank you" never left their mouth, even after I had gone out of my way to help or do something that I considered unpleasant.

Midwest manners are something of an improvement, although not much. "Brazen" and "crass" are the words that most often come to mind. But I digress. For those of you who were not lucky enough to be raised by a good Southern mother (bless your hearts!), then let me provide a little guide for being polite.

1. "Please" and "thank you" are really golden phrases. Say them genuinely and appreciatively. People will notice and appreciate your appreciation.
2. "Excuse me" is also a golden phrase. Don't shove yourself in front of someone or behind someone or even just walk in front of them without providing some kind of apology. And DON'T push someone out of the way. We're all in line and we all want to get to the front. Unless you are in labor or your wife is in labor, there is no excuse to push someone out of the way.
3. Don't park in expectant mother/new mother parking unless you are either an expectant mother or new mother. If you do this, you are a turd. If you do this, I will pray that one day when you need to park in a handicap spot, there will be some young hot shot sitting in the only handicap spot, obviously not needing that space. Trust me, it will happen, and when it does, I will laugh at you.
4. If someone opens a door for you or holds it open after they have walked out, say thank you. There is nothing more irritating than someone not taking five seconds to say those two little words. I have been known to follow someone into a store and say "You're welcome" to their faces when they have failed to be polite, so hopefully they get the hint that they are rude.
5. There is a time and a place to be outrageous. I've been known to be outrageous. It's okay. But bad language is also not acceptable in some situations - like when you are out with a bunch of superiors. It's not funny and you're probably embarrassing the people who are out with you. If you're unsure if something is appropriate, then don't say it. That should be your initial indicator that what you're going to say is NOT okay. This includes reference to semi-private things, disgusting stories, all bad words, family drama, totally private things, and generally things that you would not feel comfortable sharing (or doing) in front of your grandmother.

I'll stop here, because I could go on forever. And I also don't want to offend the few readers that I have. I still love everyone that has inspired this post, even if their manners are a little bad. After all, none of us are perfect, right? (Well, some do come closure to perfection than others, and I maintain those people were born within the confines of the Texas state lines.)

But to get to the point: I hate Yankee manners. They don't exist. I've never seen the allure of the east coast - why would I want to hang out with a bunch of people who stake their reputation on the prep school they went to? If you suffer from a case of Yankee manners (or a mild affliction of Midwestern manners), let me make this suggestion to you: get yourself a pair of good jeans and some cowboy boots, pull your prep school stick out of your butt, and get yourself to Texas. Spend a day in Dallas and find out how friendliness and cosmopolitaness can adequately mix. Then go to Chuy's and eat some Tex Mex. You'll thank me later, and so will everyone who comes into contact with your good manners!