My Moment of Panic on Encroaching Motherhood

The other night I woke up as usual to make one of my many nocturnal bathroom trips (thank you, Ella, for pressing on my bladder! Mommy loves you!), and I climbed back into bed. While trying to fall asleep again, I started thinking about Ella and wondering how I could possibly love her as much as I feel like I'm supposed to. I mean, how do you just unconditionally love a person? It was scaring me, and I thought, "I just don't know how I'll do it. How could I when I'm already doubting my ability to do this now?"

At the same time, another part of my brain was registering that my sciatica was acting up again, and so I needed to shift on my body pillow some. Unfortunately, my cat, Archie, had taken up right in the middle of where I needed to shift. I considered shoving him out of the way for a moment, and then quickly decided against that. He was just too cute curled up there. I decided that I didn't mind being a little uncomfortable, after all, how much difference could a few inches really make?

And then it hit me. I could love Ella unconditionally, and I could love her just as much as I should. If I was this crazy about Archie, and I preferred his comfort to my own, of course I'd be able to do that with her. So I finally fell asleep, my moment of panic passing.