Essica told me to be happy and post the following: she is going to see Shrek the Musical, and we have a new friend at the desk: a cut out of Simon's Cat.
That is all.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sadness is...
It's fall, and that makes me happy. Why? Because it promises cooler weather, beautiful leaves, and (my favorite!) apple picking! I went apple picking two weeks ago with Frank, Sara, and Tim, and it was so much fun. $57 and 27 lbs. of apples later, we left, and Sara and I made a fantastic apple pie.
Life has been hectic: we're moving, I'm taking 20 hours of classes, we've got people coming in from out of town literally all fall, and babies... What, you ask? Well never you mind - there will be more on that when the time comes. For now, it's a thought passing between Frank and I.
To be honest, I've been kind of down lately. I just keep seeing everything that needs to get done, all of the major changes happening, and I get tired. Not to mention, I got some really traumatic/sad/depressing news a few weeks ago.
Over the summer, I had thought I was possibly pregnant. Turns out, I wasn't, or so I thought. After a few months, several doctor visits, and a lot of blood work, I found out that I had a miscarriage. At first I felt like I shouldn't be sad, because I really hadn't known until after the fact. But I was, and I cried a lot, felt down, thinking my body was broken. You know, I was talking to someone about this, wondering why I felt this way, and it struck me: a girl's entire identity is almost built around her ability to make babies. Think about it: from the time we're 11 or 12, we get out period, and we know that means we can have babies. When we're teenagers, we're lectured about responsibility and how being stupid can lead to having a baby. We see commercials EVERYWHERE, all about birth control or periods. In short, our lives are almost made to revolve around our reproductive health and the many different ways we can prevent pregnancy. I struggled with this for a long time, and I didn't tell anyone. I finally told Frank and my mom, and I've opened up to a few of my friends, and I feel so much better.
But I can't banish this thought from my mind. What if I am broken? What if I can't have a baby? What if...? My mom and Frank have both told me to stop thinking that way, and I'm trying. And I don't understand why I was so sad for losing a baby that I wasn't even sure existed at the time.
It's getting better though, it's getting a little better all the time.
In the mean time, I'll think happy thoughts, and listen to happy music. After all, I always know that the sun will come out tomorrow, and maybe it'll bring a little ray of hope with it. And if it doesn't, I'll just wait until patiently until the day that it does.
Life has been hectic: we're moving, I'm taking 20 hours of classes, we've got people coming in from out of town literally all fall, and babies... What, you ask? Well never you mind - there will be more on that when the time comes. For now, it's a thought passing between Frank and I.
To be honest, I've been kind of down lately. I just keep seeing everything that needs to get done, all of the major changes happening, and I get tired. Not to mention, I got some really traumatic/sad/depressing news a few weeks ago.
Over the summer, I had thought I was possibly pregnant. Turns out, I wasn't, or so I thought. After a few months, several doctor visits, and a lot of blood work, I found out that I had a miscarriage. At first I felt like I shouldn't be sad, because I really hadn't known until after the fact. But I was, and I cried a lot, felt down, thinking my body was broken. You know, I was talking to someone about this, wondering why I felt this way, and it struck me: a girl's entire identity is almost built around her ability to make babies. Think about it: from the time we're 11 or 12, we get out period, and we know that means we can have babies. When we're teenagers, we're lectured about responsibility and how being stupid can lead to having a baby. We see commercials EVERYWHERE, all about birth control or periods. In short, our lives are almost made to revolve around our reproductive health and the many different ways we can prevent pregnancy. I struggled with this for a long time, and I didn't tell anyone. I finally told Frank and my mom, and I've opened up to a few of my friends, and I feel so much better.
But I can't banish this thought from my mind. What if I am broken? What if I can't have a baby? What if...? My mom and Frank have both told me to stop thinking that way, and I'm trying. And I don't understand why I was so sad for losing a baby that I wasn't even sure existed at the time.
It's getting better though, it's getting a little better all the time.
In the mean time, I'll think happy thoughts, and listen to happy music. After all, I always know that the sun will come out tomorrow, and maybe it'll bring a little ray of hope with it. And if it doesn't, I'll just wait until patiently until the day that it does.
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